When I Think of You
by scorpion22
Summary: Told from Zelena's point of view as she reflects on her time with Hades and its aftermath and the love they shared. I own nothing.


This was inspired by the true love of Hades and Zelena on the show. I feel so bad for both Regina and Zelena, but a little more for Zelena because she had to kill the man she loved. I own nothing.

Chapter 1

Zelena's POV…

Hades, ever since that night, the night of Robin's death, and yours, our past seems to be a constant topic that my brain can't change. Others think of you as a monster, but I can't see you as that. I still think of you as the man I loved, as the true love I never believed I'd be lucky enough to find, but even as you will always be known as that to me other thoughts interrupt my thinking. Because for some reason, I wasn't enough for you, you couldn't just have me; you needed revenge. I supposed I can understand that, I needed that once, but I changed, for my daughter, I changed. You couldn't do that though. I guess I wasn't enough reason for you to do that. You wanted to have two things. You wanted me. But you also wanted power. You couldn't have both, you never understood that, and you left me no choice; I had to make that choice for you. Why didn't you love me enough to choose me? Was there something I could have done? I'll never know, but the question will stay with me forever, as will you because I am sure you will be my first and only love. Looking at it now, I realize that I made the mistake you did once, it just didn't end in my death as it did you. I wish you had chosen me, oh, how I wanted you to choose me.

"You made me kill you," I think that is the truth behind your death in the end because if you had just put that bolt down we might have had a chance. I see the way you died often in the middle of the night. Behind my closed eyes, I see that lightning hitting you, I see you fading into nonexistence, and I wakeup screaming. Because the last thing I wanted to do was kill you. But you gave me no choice. I don't think these dreams will go away. Part of me doesn't want them to because it is like you're still with me. You haven't left me yet in these dreams and yet in them though you are there, I still can't ask you the questions that remain in my heart. That's why I choose to think of you as the man I knew who swept me off my feet, Hades, I prefer to remember my dark god as you were only with me.

"You were unlike anyone," I think that is what I will always remember about you, the way you breezed into my life without me asking you to, and from the moment we laid eyes on each other there was a spark that wasn't always love though it was something very, very different. When I first laid eyes on you, I never knew who was stepping into my life, not a mere man, but the one. If only I had taken you then and left revenge behind, so many things might be different now.

"Who the hell are you?" I had asked, and you were right.

"You have no idea how fitting that is," you had said it so jokingly that I hadn't taken you seriously then, but now it's not so much the words I remember, it's the way the words passed over me.

From that moment on, you changed my life.

"Without you I might never have ridden a bicycle or knew that there was something more to life then revenge," I know you introduced me to those things and now without you I wonder if I'll experience them ever again. Passion didn't exist for me until you entered my life, but it wasn't just passion. When I met you, I experienced fire for the first time, the type of fire that grows in your body when two people fall in love. I know, at that point, we weren't in love yet, but that fire would help get us there. If I do love again, I doubt it could ever compare to what we shared. A flame like that only burns once.

"Maybe that's why when I first experienced it, I didn't know what I was feeling?" I try to get rid of my guilt for pushing you away back then, but that guilt is still there, after all, if I hadn't who knows where we'd be now.

I will always think of you as the love of my life. You made me feel love, something that if I'd never met you, never fallen for you I might never have felt. Before we met again, before that trip down to your underworld, I thought that time with you was nothing, a passing fancy, a single night of passion, but you weren't that. Meeting you was destiny, I think, and because of that I think I'm alright with you being the only love I ever have. After all, what we shared was in fact one hell of a love.

"I've had more fun tonight then I've had in a long time," I told you once on a night when we sat on a blanket with the stars the only eyes on us.

"Yes, you and I both…rarely do I get to leave the underworld," you had whispered in response that smile that always graced your lips there aimed at me. I'll always remember how you'd suddenly whisked my hat off my head then sitting it down next to us. No one had ever dared such a thing with me before. I should have expected nothing less from you. You had captivated me back then. You weren't afraid of me and for once I was glad of that. You saw me not as the wicked witch, but just as a woman. Someone with a heart and feelings. I think you were the first person to ever really see me. For that night, when you looked into my eyes, when you touched my face, you saw me. You didn't do all that because you were going to kiss me, you saw me, and thinking of it now, I wish we had shared true love's kiss then instead of when we did, maybe, our story would have turned out different. But we didn't share it then when we kissed the first time. We weren't in love yet. You heart was still silent and me, I was still determined; I would have my revenge.

"I had never quite been kissed like that before," you were my first kiss, but I never told you that.

I don't know if I ever would have told you. Back then, I just remember feeling happy, happy in a new way I hadn't experienced before. Maybe it was because you were kissing me, really kissing me, and somehow, I knew when the kiss was only the way you looked at me wouldn't change. You wouldn't reject me or hurt me like, so many had done. I would be the one to hurt you. I'm so sorry for that now. I can't say I didn't mean to hurt you then, because I did, because I was scared. Scared of all the feelings coursing through me, feelings that I didn't understand. I feared you, Hades, because you didn't look at me the way everyone else did. You saw me, and you were the first to really truly want me. That was why when you pulled me into your lap that night I let you. I gripped your fine spikey hair in my fingers and delved in deep liking it the more you touched me.

"Hades," I had whispered your name and the blue flame of your hair had been in your eyes.

"You were the first to want me that way and not have to pretend," for me, you represent a lot of firsts, but that night on the blanket will always stand out because that was the first time you touched me, touched me with a gentle roughness my back against the blanket as you showed me the type of care no man had before.

"You made me feel lost, lost in you, and I want it that way. Your kisses, your touch, the sound of your voice, I was lost in it all, and I liked it," I still have that feeling only now its different with you gone. Because I miss you, your kiss especially; I often think of the kisses we shared that night. Your kisses had been so soft yet passionate. I should have expected nothing less from you. You had covered me in kisses as your hands held my skin, gripping it, caressing it. No one else ever touched me like that again.

"I can't regret loving you, Hades, because I don't know who I'd be if you hadn't loved me," I wish I could tell you that. That moment was perfect just the way it was. Your passionate kisses had build something in me, a fire, a flame that smoldered whenever we were together. You always stoked that flame when you were here. With the look in your eyes when you looked at me. With the kisses and touches and the way you made love to me. I worry that flame will die without you here to fan it.

Loving you scared me at first. Because I'd never experienced it before. I don't think you understood that. That was the only thing you never understood about me. You made me vulnerable, no one had ever done that before, but then you came along. You always scared me because I never knew what you were going to do.

"Everything about you was a surprise," I don't think you could help that and I'm glad because that element of surprise, I think, is what made me fall for you. I don't think I realized that until now, Hades, now that you're gone.

I'll tell you what I was most afraid of, Hades. I was afraid you would change. That someday, you would see me differently, and you wouldn't want me anymore. Everyone I had ever known changed their mind when it came to loving me. I was sure you would be the same, so when I pushed you away that night, it was because I was afraid of that. I was pushing you away before you could do the same to me. I was trying to protect myself. Sometimes I wonder if I had told you all this if you would have understood. As we laid on that blanket during our passion, I was tempted to run away because of that fear, but I didn't. Instead, I held onto you tight, and in my mind, I was indulging myself as I let you have me.

"Zelena," you had breathed my name so softly as you filled me for the first time.

You're the only one that has ever said my name like that. I used to like the way you said my name. You always said it like it was the most because name you had ever heard. Like you wanted to die with that name on your lips. And you did. I don't know how I'll feel if anyone ever says my name the way you did. I don't think it would feel right. I don't even want to feel that passion again. I don't even know if I want to love again because I don't think anyone could compare to you. You and I had a special kind of love.

"I always thought I'd have more moments like that with you," I wonder what kind of life we would have had all the time. Now, as I begin my life without you, I wonder what fate would have held for us if I hadn't pushed you away. Would we have gotten our happy ending? Would we have gotten married or had children? What would our life together have been like? I'll never know, but those memories of you fuel my imagination.

You were always a gentleman, the type of man that held my hand, and I knew you wouldn't let go. That last moment between us before I had to kill you sticks in my mind. I remember my hand in yours, your lips on mine, and we had been happy. I like to think that if I hadn't had to end you, we would have gone on that way, happy, hand in hand, but mainly happy. I think we could have had a chance. I think things had changed between us by then because we were in love. I just didn't know, I was a fool, and I made the wrong choice. Walking in the woods though, I'll always remember the way you smiled at me like I was the center of your universe, the way your fingers kept running over my palm tickling me in the most pleasant way that only you could.

I wish I had known that would be our last happy moment. I wish you were here, so I could tell you these things instead of hiding them away in my heart. I only hope you did know that I did love you. I loved you then, I love you now, and you will always be the man I love. My heart is yours. I don't want it to belong to anyone else. It will remain in my chest, waiting for you to take it back when I die. That is if I see you on the other side.

"I regret pushing you away that night," I want to tell you that, but you're not here to hear it anymore. And it's all my fault, Hades. I ruined our chances when I pushed you away. We could have been happy then, we shouldn't have had to wait so long, but because of me we did. Because of me, your dead. I'm so sorry for that, Hades; I wish I could say that to you now.

I wish I could tell you that I love you, maybe, it would have changed something. I don't know, but I wonder all the time. There are many things like that I want to tell you, but I'll never get the chance. I wish I could tell you how I used to think of you in the middle of the night in my castle in oz. That I remembered you, remembered that I still loved you when I saw you again in the underworld. I thought of you even when I was pregnant, locked in that cell, you came to mind, and I silently wished you were the father of my baby. Because I loved you and it pains me because I'm afraid you didn't know just how much. Things like that I wanted you to be part of the family I seemed to be building in StoryBrooke.

"I wanted to make things right for once, Hades, I didn't know you were intent on breaking them apart like I had done so many times," I wish I had told you that, maybe, you would have understood, and not did what you did. Regina and I were actually being sisters for once. You've ruined that because you killed the man she loved. Robin was going to let me be a mother to my daughter. I wanted you to be part of that, but now I'll be raising my little girl alone because you killed her father. But most of all, Hades, I wanted to be a wife to you. I wanted to marry you and now, I can't because I was forced to kill you. It's your fault that I'll never have any of those things. Because of you, Hades, I'm sitting here alone. You've left me to do all those things alone and clean up after the mess you've made. Sometimes the love I feel for you turns to hate because of all of that. But the hate never lasts. The love always returns and every time it seems to be stronger.

Because of you, my sister hates me because you killed the man she loved. Because of you, I fear my daughter will hate me too because that same man was her father. But most of all, Hades, because of all the decisions you made I was forced to make the hard choice. I was forced to kill you, the man I loved, my true love, and no amount of reflecting will cure that wound within my heart.


End file.
